Advice from Amy Dickinson.
I appreciate your question, because your experience highlights a typical trajectory with a chronic boundary-bouncer.You two worked things out, and you put your therapy into practice. You presented your boundary with clarity, and this resulted in a good visit with your folks.
And then your mother experienced a bit of a backslide, resorting to familiar behaviors as a way to bounce over your boundary. Her weapons of choice are subtle manipulations, perhaps also throwing in a bit of sadness in order to press her case. This is her way to get her needs met, and because it has worked in the past, she has reason to believe it will work now.You could say, “Your visit went really well for all of us, and I’m crediting our therapy for helping both of us to create and respect boundaries. Thank you for that, Mom.”
I have not suggested diving into an extended conversation about her wants or needs, because, like a good door-to-door salesperson, once she gets her foot in the door, she will wedge it open. This is your house, your family, and your life. I hope you will continue to take good care of yourself and your family by respectfully maintaining your boundaries. Ultimately this will result in a better relationship with your folks, building more positive experiences, which may lead to expanded boundaries.Many years ago, my college roommate did something that hurt my feelings very much. Instead of saying something to him I, in turn, did something to hurt him as well .
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