CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools

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CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools
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NEUCHATEL, SWITZERLAND—In a damning indictment of the agency’s own social graces, the CIA came under intense scrutiny Monday after officials declassified a report detailing the foreign intelligence service’s use of abusive etiquette coaches in previously undisclosed black site finishing schools.

The long-awaited 600-page report on the secretive etiquette program included sworn medical affidavits detailing injuries sustained by former captives consistent with periods of prolonged handshaking, extreme curtsying, and waltzing for hours in uncomfortable, toe-pinching heels, activities allegedly sanctioned by a subcontracted militant headmistress known to the victims as Madame Amelia.

“Torturous scoldings from Madame Amelia were doled out primarily through a series of secret, compulsory posture lessons in which inmates were required to stand with their chin parallel to the floor and their feet turned out for more than 48 hours straight, often with a book precariously balanced on their heads,” Amnesty International inspector Dan Worthington said of the practices classified as “cruel and unusual refinement” under international law.

“If we made a mistake with, say, which fork we used to eat our Nutraloaf, or allowed our elbows to rest on the back of the inmate who was forced to lie down and act as the table that day, we would immediately receive a formal, written invitation to solitary confinement,” former inmate Rahim As’ad Shamon said of the excruciatingly long luncheons he attended daily. “I was expected to RSVP yes on proper stationery with beautiful calligraphy or face a rapping by Madame Amelia’s blackthorn cane.

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