I thought my husband and I needed professional help, writes Scaachi Koul. Instead, we found more ammo to use against each other. Only in hindsight can I see what I wanted our therapist to say: that we shouldn’t feel ashamed for throwing in the towel.
When I ended my decade-long relationship with my ex, my therapist clapped her hands over her head and screamed out, exalted: “YES!” For almost four years, whenever we talked about him, she looked at me like I was talking about how much I loved drinking expired strawberry milk. “Sorry,” she said, quickly collecting herself after the “good” news. “I know I shouldn’t root for this. But I hated him.
I thought our troubles were fundamental to our personalities and would require significant work; my husband thought our issues could be chalked up to stressful life events. Early in our relationship, he told me we were fighting because he wanted us to move forward and I was standing still, so we moved in together as proof of my commitment. Then he told me we were fighting because wedding planning was stressful; we got married, and so the planning ended.
Sometimes we’d leave sessions together and I would hear one of the Teresas sigh behind the door she had just closed. I could tell we were exhausting them, just as I knew that all their strategies would likely fail with us. Teresa No. 1 thought everything was my ex-husband’s fault, but Teresa No. 4 thought it was all mine. Teresa No. 2, after listening to me talk for 51 minutes about how I felt hopeless, shrugged her shoulders at me. “I don’t know what to say,” she replied. I did.
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