A pivotal part of Lil Kalish's mental health over the past year has been giving themself space to heal the absence of a boyhood they never fully had as a child.
Only a few weeks after my 28th birthday, the sweltering heat of late July marked a year since I first slathered a pump of cool testosterone gel on my shoulder, one of the many ways that I choose to honor my transness. It had been one year of opening myself to change as my shoulders broadened, my voice deepened, and the anxiety that hummed like a house music bass line began to melt into the background.
In lieu of a party, I went to a tattoo shop in northeast Los Angeles with a few friends to celebrate the occasion. I chose to get the Yiddish word for sparrow,, tattooed on my right arm, paying homage to my paternal grandfather’s first language. As an amateur birder, I’ve found myself rapt by the ordinariness of house sparrows, those small, brown songbirds that to me represent unruly freedom as they find ingenious ways to make themselves at home on nearly every continent.
I’ve been in the process of making a home within myself for years now. I never had an “aha” moment when the fog lifted to reveal the word “trans.” Rather, I spent nearly a decade trudging down a zigzagging road always wondering if I’d ever get any better at being a girl. I didn’t. So at around 23, I stopped trying altogether and let myself go elsewhere.
My foray into boyhood had everything and nothing to do with being a boy. It was an exercise in seeking joy for myself and in spite of those who wish me harm. As a Black transmasculine and gender-nonconforming person, I’ve watched with disgust and fatigue as Republican lawmakers peddled bills across state legislatures to restrict young transgender people’s access to
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