Kids who look away are not uninterested or unsure; they are fine-tuning a very important skill.
) so when I feel like I am not being heard, I forget my own ability to do two things at once and demand that my kids look at me when I ask them a question. They usually look up from whatever they were doing and growl an irritated response that tells me they actually took in the information I said.
Sure, sometimes kids are so self-absorbed that we need to clap our hands and raise our voices to get their attention, but I need to be better about letting my kids’ eyes wander. This is especially true when I am explaining something to them, trying to discipline them, or helping them process big emotions. Their cortisol levels are already high in these situations, and their instinct to use gaze aversion is a positive attempt—not a disrespectful one—to self-regulate.
When something scares me, I tend to look away from it too. If someone is correcting me or trying to help me through an intense situation or feeling, the last thing I want to do is make penetrating eye contact. I am usually feeling shame or frustration or embarrassment. I look away but stay engaged. I am capable of taking in information without looking directly at the person I am interacting with. Our kids are too.
We encourage our kids to take breaks or to think before they speak or act. I will be better about coaching my kids to look away too.
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