Their interjection into our bickering doesn’t help anything.
If that doesn’t work, consider disengaging from the debate. You said yourself that the issues are trivial. Why not drop it entirely? Stop fussing. Stop reacting to the triggers. Take a deep breath and say nothing, no matter who tries to light the fuse. Move on. If you don’t engage, chances are, things will quiet down.
I live in New York, and my family lives in Hawaii. They never offer to buy my ticket, but they insist that I come and stay with them once or twice a year. For example, maybe you can go every other year, and perhaps not everyone can make the trip. Figure out what you can do, and let your family know. Be clear.
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