'I will say, her antics did more good than harm.'
In the room, naked but for a paper gown, a matter-of-fact nurse named either Mary or Linda told me to lie back and relax. My mom, my most devoted coconspirator as always, sat beside me and took my hand. I put my feet in the stirrups — never exactly Shakespeare in the Park — and closed my eyes. I could feel my mother pressing all her hope and faith through her soft palm into my sweaty flesh.
Gross Mom Factor aside, my vibrator had been dead for at least two years. The fact that I couldn’t find the motivation to locate the right charger in the last 730 days, and that it was probably shoved in a drawer with busted headphones, loose peanut M&M’s, and random stray earrings even though I don’t have my ears pierced, was not a great look in terms of my domesticity meter.
Now. We are a ride-or-die family, and my mom and I were born troublemakers, but her asking me to rub one out so that I could give her a second grandchild was too much, even for me.Because this imagery of my mother, screaming, “Think of Dr. Grifo! Think of Dr. Grifo!” — my silver-fox fertility doctor who we both often fantasized about — was the best thing I ever saw.
Because seven or eight weeks later, we were back in that room, and my sister was with us this time. Dr. Grifo cruised in and squirted some cold jelly on my stomach. I already knew I was pregnant from the seventy pregnancy tests I had taken in the last month, and the seventeen falafels that I had already inhaled out of starvation.
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