I am here to tell you that working hard to stop associating my body’s size with my value as a human being has been one million percent worth it.
and it can be difficult to control. When it’s under control, my weight plummets. When it gets worse, my weight climbs. For me, pregnancy always resulted in dramatic weight loss because during pregnancy, PCOS is not a factor.
It’s just that I have been working hard for years now to disconnect my weight from my worth, and I was struggling not to go back. The thing is, if I let myself feel MORE beautiful, valuable, valid and worthy when I lose weight, then I will almost certainly feel LESS beautiful, valuable, valid and worthy if I gain it back. I can’t afford to let my weight determine how much I appreciate my body. I will end up devastated again.
I grew up immersed in diet culture like everyone else, and I would be lying if I said that watching the scale climb back up a bit wasn’t initially kind of disappointing. It was. Every pound of gained weight was one more step away from thinness, the “ideal.” But I didn’t stay in that place of comparison and disappointment because that’s not where I live anymore.
I know that in the past, I have associated the feeling of an empty stomach with morality. The longer I felt hungry, the “better” I was as a person, and especially as a woman. That kind of thinking is harmful and unhealthy.