Hiding my bipolar disorder became my other full-time job.
In a personal essay, podcaster Kimi Culp opens about the mental health struggle she kept secret for decades.When I was 22, I was hired to fetch coffees and work overnights at NBC News.
All the while, I was living my own high-stakes story, navigating the highs and lows of a debilitating mental illness and keeping it a secret for fear of being judged and rejected.became my other full-time job. I justified it because I was often able to use my symptoms to my advantage. The adrenaline of my manic highs fueled me. I was hopping on planes at all hours chasing stories, using my newfound creative bursts to write scripts at 2 a.m., down more coffee and meet the camera crew at 7 a.m.
Eventually, I married the love of my life and had a child, a precious baby boy. I soothed his newborn cries through bottles full of formula from the local drugstore because I could not breastfeed, due to my medications. As I looked around at all the breastfeeding moms, I felt tremendous guilt for being unable to do the same. My shame grew heavier and the despair crept in. By comparing myself to other moms, I concluded that I was, in fact, not enough of a mother.
The day of my 43rd birthday I asked my dear friend and a fellow journalist to interview me about the secret I had been hiding for two decades and shared it on. In an instant, my story went from being known by less than a handful of people to thousands of people around the world, including old friends and colleagues, and faceless strangers I will never meet.
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