Before I write, I just need to respond to this e-mail from my stepdad, Robert, and rebut the 56 inaccuracies in his conspiracy theory.
All right, today’s the day. Time to end this weird, stagnant phase of my life and start writing my first novel. I’ve been putting it off for months, but I won’t tolerate another excuse or wait a moment longer to get creative!, hang on. My snake plant looks droopy. Does it need water? More sunlight? Hmm. A quick search reveals that, as some sort of sick joke, God has made the signs of under-watering identical to the signs of over-watering.
O.K., that wasn’t too distracting. It only took fourteen months to catch up on sleep and get in such great shape that I can see all five of my abs. Time to wri—OMEGA-3 FISH OIL AND ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT I’ll just have a nice two-hour screaming phone call with Robert, in which, through my superior reasoning and debate skills, I’ll undo decades of Robert’s idiosyncratic life experience and niche-online-reading habits. Then I’ll convince him that it’sthat Bill Gates is a lizard king who is enslaving the human race with vaccines, Robert will stop with these wacky e-mails, and I’ll finally have in-box zero and mental peace enough to make progress on my novel.
Norge Siste Nytt, Norge Overskrifter
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