Sculpting the image of a successful immigrant family was important. Dad would say when I was going through a depressive episode: 'You have nothing to complain about. You should be happy.'
I recently learned that my father's uncle died by suicide in China many years ago. Like the other suicide attempts, my parents never talked about these incidents. They were shameful, and in our family, shame shattered the"perfect" image everyone fought to protect.
I began to experience periods of depression in my teens. I remember that I would curl up in the fetal position with my blanket over my face to protect myself from the outside world; ruminating about"stupid" things I had said or how I had performed in exams. Instead, sculpting the image of a successful immigrant family was far more important. Dad would say when I was going through a depressive episode:"You have nothing to complain about. You should be happy."
I got married at 22. And while my husband was supportive, he would be confused when he found me immobile on our bed. We had promising careers and were excited to start our new life in Los Angeles as a young married couple. Because of my breast cancer, my husband and I started a family later than most of our friends and ultimately, we were blessed with three healthy children. However, having been raised in a home with a mother who had serious mental health issues and a father who experienced depression, I did not know how to be a parent. Because of their own struggles, my parents did not provide the nurturing and emotional support I had craved, and that I knew my children needed.
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