ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness of significant global issues.
Gilmer—whose inconsequential personal history thousands of Americans will actively choose to make space for in their long-term memories—told reporters he has been planning his meaningless and distracting journey for quite some time, citing his own completely self-serving narcissism as his sole inspiration.
"I saw so many people out there refusing to take time out of their day for bullshit media sideshow events like mine, and I thought, 'Something needs to be done,'" said Gilmer, whose circumnavigation will actually be covered around the clock by real, paid journalists whose job it is, ostensibly, to bring the most significant issues of the day to the American public.
In addition, dozens of major news outlets have already promised they will act astonished and impressed by Gilmer's completely unconstructive accomplishment, a landmark that many, many others have previously reached, going back more than a century, and that is in no way worthy of nationwide, let alone worldwide, recognition.
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