The letter writer's husband never leaves his wallet on the table, hides his finances and only gives his wife $150 of his $8,000 monthly income.
I have lived in Boston since 2006. I moved from New York and gave up my job of 16 years because we got married and I relocated, leaving my two adult children, who were 21 and 24. I divorced my first husband in 1998 and met my spouse in 2000. My husband, who is 70, will be retired four years in October. He spent most of his career in the U.S. Army Reserve, where he spent 24 years.
He always uses his credit card or bank card to buy things. I barely see him take money out of his wallet, and he never leaves his wallet on the table. He also has a post-office box, which he said his sister gave to him. All important papers are out of my sight, but there are a bunch here in the house, kept in his closet in plastic bags tied in a knot. I have never seen anything like this.
Massachusetts is a separate property state. Anything your husband owned prior to this marriage, which includes the house you live in and separate bank and savings accounts, belongs to him. Separate property also includes inheritance you or your husband may receive during your marriage. If you fell down a manhole tomorrow and broke your leg, and you were awarded $100,000 in a lawsuit, that too would belong to you and you alone.
You have come to accept your low status in this relationship. I don’t see any consideration, trust and respect — just some of the hallmarks of a loving relationship. Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence. That may sound alarmist, but not all scars are visible, many are psychological and have the same insidious effect: to control and subdue another person. You need a plan and a support network. You can’t see the bars on your window. You can walk through them, if you want to.
I am always cautious of the blanket statement, “I love him, but...” Sometimes, we need to question our definition of love, independent of our financial and even our emotional needs. Love is not conditional, and the status quo in your marriage should not depend on your not asking questions about money, or on anything that might threaten or rattle the way you both choose to live your lives. That includes your submission to his wishes and your husband’s finely oiled marriage machine.
If your husband wanted a housekeeper instead of a wife, he could still hire a housekeeper to cook and clean and shop for his groceries. He is one of the few Americans who could probably afford a live-in housekeeper, if he really wanted one: The annual salary of a live-in housekeeper starts at around $45,000 per year, according to some estimates. That way, he can cancel his post-office box and have all of his investment-account mail delivered to his home.
Norge Siste Nytt, Norge Overskrifter
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