'I still have a little voice in the back of my head fretting I’m not good enough. But I try to quiet it ... by staying focused on developing into the great scientist I know I can be. In the end, I am much more than that 1-hour exam.' ScienceWorkingLife
My Ph.D. adviser had encouraged me to take a vacation. So I was sitting at an airport restaurant, sipping a margarita, when I received the email. It informed me I had failed my qualifying exam on my third attempt, which meant dismissal from the program. I knew things hadn’t gone perfectly. A day earlier my committee had told me it needed more time to decide whether I passed. But I was still dumbfounded.
I ended that year with increased confidence, eager to put my newfound knowledge into action as I dove deeper into my research. But my confidence took another plunge shortly thereafter, when I made my first attempt at the qualifying exam. I had never taken an oral exam before, so the experience was terrifying.
Once it was over, my committee told me I’d conditionally passed, which meant I had to take more time to study and prepare to talk about a subset of topics. I was shaken but still hopeful. But when I retook the exam, I failed again. That’s when I was told I’d have one more chance. When the exam was over, I left the room feeling a mix of fear and relief. But those feelings changed to frustration the next day, after I learned I’d failed. I reflected on how different my experience going into the exam was from my peers’. Many had college-educated family members they could speak with about their work. My family members, in contrast, are less familiar with science.
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