WASHINGTON—Confirming that it’s “all come down to this,” the nation’s girlfriends admitted Thursday that, despite anything they may have said or implied in the past, absolutely everything hinges on the outcome of this Valentine’s Day.
Describing the evening as “the indisputable make-or-break moment of our relationships,” the girlfriends explained that if Valentine’s Day fails, in any way, to live up to their standards, or if at any point they sense that not enough effort went into the occasion, then things are as good as over.
“I know I’ve stated in the past that I believe Valentine’s Day is dumb and that it’s a commercial holiday and that it doesn’t matter to me, but I was lying,” Boyce added, in total concurrence with every other girlfriend in the country. “That was total horseshit. I, in fact, care more about this than anything, by far.”
The nation’s girlfriends admitted to reporters, and to anyone who cared to know, that nothing their boyfriends have ever done for them in the past, including any and all good deeds previously rendered, will matter in the slightest if they don’t make tomorrow a day to remember. The assembled women then confirmed that they expect the following things tomorrow, and they “don’t give one flying fuck” if these expectations make them appear either old-fashioned, demanding, or unrealistic: flowers; repeated romantic gestures and signs of physical affection; compliments; assorted gifts of an emotionally resonant nature; a dinner that is sufficiently high-end yet also warm and intimate; two to three fond recollections of the relationship’s origins; an outfit and attention to...
The nation’s girlfriends also confirmed that if their boyfriends are able to go all out and make tomorrow truly special, then there is no reason why they couldn’t make a similar effort on every other day of the year too.
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