'Make your class quieter!! Please! You’re not the club! You’ll never be the club!!'
Photo-Illustration: by Stevie Remsberg; source images Getty By the sign-in desk at cushy fitness studios, I often see jars of two complementary items. Hair-ties and earplugs . If an exercise studio thinks I might want earplugs, I know I’m moments away from walking my ears into the internal hub of an airplane engine. I know they’ve set up our fake bicycles directly inside a stadium-grade speaker. I’m about to feel the sound barrier break before me.
I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a childhood best friend Natalie. But for the rest of you poor souls, there is The Evidence. On the record, fitness classes have been too loud since 1997! Julia Belluz at Vox compiled an astounding report which quotes exercise instructors, speaking anonymously, confessing that some days, their ears hurt more than their muscles. They’re diagnosed with early onset hearing loss and worry that they’ll lose their jobs if they say anything.
I think these intense, clannish fitness classes create deafening noise dungeons to approximate a ravey-clubby atmosphere. Particularly, I suspect these classes model their noise levels after clubs, because of this infamous nightclub trick: louder music absorbs people in the environment, if noise is at pain-level they feel like they’re having more experience, and that’s measured at bar by drinking more.
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