HAGATNA, GUAM—Expressing relief that the effects of the climate crisis were perhaps not as dire as previously thought, the world’s leading marine ecologists announced Monday that rising sea levels over the past century were mostly caused by a clump of hair clogging the drain at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. “We…
HAGATNA, GUAM—Expressing relief that the effects of the climate crisis were perhaps not as dire as previously thought, the world’s leading marine ecologists announced Monday that rising sea levels over the past century were mostly caused by a clump of hair clogging the drain at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
“We have long attributed the rise to an increased reliance on fossil fuels and a subsequent melting of glaciers, but come to find out, it was just this big wad of hair gunk backing everything up,” said, who added that once the stubborn ball of hair, dead skin cells, soap scum, bath oils, and hard-water deposits was cleared, the planet’s oceans should drop 8 to 9 inches, returning to levels not seen since 1880.