Sonic the Hedgehog is a failure of the imagination so catastrophic, so unfathomably antipathetic to the very idea of itself, that sitting down to write this review felt like sawing a hole in my own skull, blending my brain up, and drinking it back through a straw. Even conjuring up the words to say this was like desperately fighting against the event horizon of a black hole while it slowly turned my body into subatomic spaghetti, my material essence hopefully forming the building blocks of a new universe where movies like Sonic the Hedgehog will never be made.
is a failure of the imagination so catastrophic, so unfathomably antipathetic to the very idea of itself, that sitting down to write this review felt like sawing a hole in my own skull, blending my brain up, and drinking it back through a straw.
This backstory is told as a flashback inside of a flash-forward, detailed while a now-grown Sonic is running around an exploding San Francisco while being chased by a flying robot. Like most bad movies, it contains a voiceover narration , but it’s interspersed with Sonic frequently talking to both himself and the audience, probably because no self-respecting actor would allow a contract that stipulated more than 10 concurrent minutes of screentime with an animated freak alien.
After being thrown unceremoniously through the portal, Sonic learns about human civilization in a rural “Pacific Northwest” town called Green Hills. Nobody knows he exists, except the man who knows he does, who Sonic frequently torments past the point of insanity, prompting townspeople to bully the man and call him all sorts of terrible names. There’s a cop in this town, too, Tom Wachowski, who really loves donuts and his wife.
For at least half the movie, Sonic performs a series of gags that involve him running so fast he pretends to be multiple people at once, all while addressing both himself as those characters, and the audience as Sonic, the narrator of this movie. It’s beyond absurd, sitting in a theatre for two hours watching an alien with too many ’80s references play baseball with itself.
Back to Sonic: In one scene, he puts on a cowboy hat and performs some Fortnite dances in a crowded bar of small-town people the audience is meant to see as too dumb to understand that they are hanging out with an alien. In another, the leader of a biker gang says something racist about aliens—“We don’t like your kind around here”—which prompts a bar fight and some fast running from Sonic.
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