In newyorkerhumor: Money comes and goes. Here are the most embarrassing ways to lose $8 billion.
▪ Ran an ad-heavy Presidential campaign on the platform of building more runways in private airports paid for by eliminating infant health care. Peaked at eight .the bank. Incinerator flooded .
▪ My son’s friends broke into my home office and built a fort out of rolls of hundred-dollar bills. When I told them to stop, they started throwing the money at me. All eight hundred thousand rolls hit me in the crotch and bounced into an active paper shredder. ▪ Tried leaving a thirty-billion-per-cent tip on my bar bill to impress a date, but while I was writing all the zeroes my date tried to say how nice it had been to meet and I was, like, “I’m▪ Fell for a Craigslist scam in which I paid six hundred dollars for a custom oil painting , but it never arrived. Kept falling for the scam once every second, day and night, for five months.
▪ My biggest rocket ship fell on top of my vintage British naval ship and sank into the ocean, where it crushed my underwater Monet collection and water-soluble diamond showroom. ▪ Went back to the charity that cuts all of its money in half and asked where my other eight billion dollars went and they were, like, “eight billion?” and I was, like, “Yeah, I gave you sixteen billion,” and then they were, like, “Do you think money retains half its value when it gets cut in half?” Honestly it felt like I lost another eight billion dollars right then.▪ Commissioned a booby-trapped pyramid tomb filled with my gold and treasure for my eventual death.
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