A Capitol rioter plans to spend her prison time detoxing and drinking protein shakes
Photo: Jennifer A Smith/Getty Images We’ve learned a lot in the 11 months since a crazed group of pro-Trump fanatics attempted to violently overtake the U.S. Capitol. Mainly, we’ve had the pleasure of finding out who exactly is the type of person that takes part in such an event. Did we want to learn this? No, and each detail that emerges is frankly more chilling than the last.
“Here’s the deal,” Ryan begins in a TikTok video that I refuse to believe is not a skit. “I am going to prison in three weeks.” She goes on to describe her plans of doing yoga and detoxing while behind bars and her hopes that the commissary will have “protein shakes and protein bars” because, of course, “you don’t wanna eat green bologna.” Her ultimate goal is apparently to lose 30 pounds during her two months in jail, which would make the entire ordeal “so worth it.
The delusion required to construct this narrative is impressive, I must say. This is what PR experts mean when they say “spin.” Why was Succession’s Tom Wambsgans ordering spongey omelets to prepare for jail time when he could have been outlining a glow-up plan for bachelor life after his divorce from Shiv? Then again, there are some people who claim to have had a great time in prison, so I guess you never know.