What does the first year of motherhood look like? For this photographer — and many other women — it was dark and complex

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What does the first year of motherhood look like? For this photographer — and many other women — it was dark and complex
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In the book 'It's Been Pouring,' Rachel Papo chronicles the struggles she and others have had with postpartum depression — revealing the harrowing, secretive battle that many pregnant people face after giving birth.

," which chronicles her two experiences with postpartum depression through images and text messages, alongside interviews with other parents who silently battled the condition.The first depressive period in New York lasted for a full year for Papo, as did the second in Berlin. After homeopathic approaches failed while she was abroad, Papo sought out psychiatric help and medication — care she had tried to seek out the first time but couldn't afford in Brooklyn.

"There is one outfit that my family sent my daughter; it's such a cute little thing. And I remember looking at her in that dress and thinking, 'I really don't like you,'" one woman, Miriam, recalled in the book."You know, this feeling, like, 'I want to get away from you.'" Papo and another mother, Anita, organized affirming mantras that Anita had kept with her while pregnant — she said she had a hard time believing some of them after her child's traumatic birth.The women that Papo interviewed shared some of their most difficult texts with her as well. Papo hopes to show that new parents who experience PPD are not alone.

The book doesn't offer a neat, uplifting resolution, though Papo has not experienced depression since"It's hard to explain, but it's like I felt possessed by a dark spirit while I was sick, and then it slowly began to leave my body, and then one day it just disappeared completely and I felt like myself again," she explained in a subsequent email."For me it was literally an overnight feeling.

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