What evolution can teach us about the problems of mismatched sexual desire in long-term relationships
Folklore’s bottle theory aside, early signs of this pattern have been noticed. Bettina Arndt, an Australian journalist, had an idea for a racy bestseller, which was to have couples keep diaries of their sex lives. Her book,did report some lively and creative practices, but the more common theme was that of husbands begging for sex while wives refused.
A possible explanation that fits our data is that female sexual desire increases during the brief phase of passionate love. Nature may have arranged that as a way of encouraging the man to make a long-term commitment. Humans evolved from other great apes, but none of the other apes take fatherhood seriously, let alone provide daily food and shelter for their children’s mother over many years.
In this view, then, it’s not that marriage is bad for women’s sexual desire. Rather, the phase of passionate love boosts it, and when that kind of love wears off, sexual desire goes back to baseline. The seeds of later dissatisfaction are thus sown by nature’s method of keeping couples together long enough to provide care for the children that sex will bring. The young man thinks he has found his sexual soul mate. Any reservations about the woman or about his need to provide for her seem minor compared to the prospect of enjoying this great sex every day for the rest of his life. When she stops wanting to have sex, he may think she has changed unfairly.
Declining happiness in marriage is a serious problem. I suspect it’s because when the wife starts to lose sexual desire, both parties think this indicates a problem with their marriage, and they blame themselves or each other. Psychology could strengthen marriages if it could help people realize that this is a common pattern. Rather than being a sign that the marriage has problems, they might see it as a standard problem that they can solve as a couple.
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