How some partners can get trapped in a cycle of behaviors that harm their relationship—and how they can break free
). The partners’ attempts to influence each other not only fail, they backfire: Each person’s attempt to reduce the other’s unwanted behavior has the unintended effect ofthat behavior. It’s like a tug of war in which the harder one person pulls, the harder the other pulls in the opposite direction.
funneled into constant lobbying for more time together—and so on. A small difference became large, and a happy relationship devolved into an unhappy one.the behaviors they dislike in each other—although, of course, without realizing it. Each person believes the other one started the cycle, and they themselves are only reacting; each believes the other person’s behavior is the cause, and theirs is the effect.
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