After a conversation with someone, we usually continue thinking about them without realizing that they're thinking about us just as much. Here's why that matters.
We spend a significant portion of our lives in conversation with others. And after a discussion ends, we often continue to think about the person we spoke to—pondering their advice, re-litigating disagreements, or wondering what the encounter meant to them., however, suggests that we don’t often realize that our conversation partners are thinking about us just as much—an oversight that may have consequences for our relationships.
Across eight studies, subjects participated in or recalled conversations with strangers, friends, or intimate partners, reporting how much they thought about the person afterward and estimating how much they were thought about in return. Overall, participants systematically underestimated how frequently they were thought of by conversation partners. This “thought gap,” as it was dubbed by the researchers, increased significantly when the conversation was an ongoing or serious argument.
“When you have a ton of evidence of your own thoughts, and zero evidence of the other person’s, it’s hard to assume they’re thinking the same way you are,” explains study author Gus Cooney, a psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. Cooney’s past research also found evidence of a “liking gap,” in which people consistently underestimated how much conversation partners liked them.
In the current study, this overly pessimistic outlook appeared to have consequences: The less participants believed that their conversation partner was thinking about them after an argument, the less likely they were to believe reconciliation was on the horizon.. But on average, the people we talk to appear to think of us just as often as we think of them, Cooney notes—a fact that might be especially comforting after an argument.
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