It was not a good year for humanity. And not just because of AI and pickleball.
It was a year of reckoning, a year in which humanity finally began to understand that it faces an existential threat, a threat unlike any we have ever faced before, a threat that will wreak havoc on our fragile planet if we fail to stop it — and it may already be too late.Nobody knows where it started. Some scientists believe it escaped from a laboratory in China.
So 2023 was not a good year for humanity. And not just because of AI and pickleball. There are also disturbing economic trends, the worst one being that soon we will not be able to engage in any kind of economic transaction, including with armed robbers, ATMs or vending machines, without being asked if we wish to leave a tip.
So with the Republicans screwing up, the Democrats are feeling pretty cocky. But then the White House is forced to make a series of embarrassing announcements about Joe Biden’s custodianship of classified documents, creating the impression that the Biden residence resembled an episode of “Hoarders,” except that instead of random junk it was filled with piles of paper marked TOP SECRET. In Biden’s defense, Democrats claim he didn’t know he had all these classified documents lying around.
“It was just right here,” Doak states, in a quote we are not making up. “It was literally just right here in the vicinity of my driveway.” In the Academy Awards, “Everything Everywhere All At Once” wins the Oscar for Best Picture That Nobody Understands. The overwhelmingly most successful movie of 2022 — “Top Gun: Maverick” — does not win any major Oscars because, in the words of the Academy, “Too many people liked it.” The awards for Best Actor and Best Actress both go to U.S. Rep. George Santos.
Trump, outraged by what he views as a flagrant abuse of power by a politically motivated Democratic prosecutor, responds by launching an all-out attack on: Ron DeSantis. For his part, DeSantis continues his laser-beam focus on the single biggest threat facing the people of Florida, as well as the American way of life: Disney.
Let’s say that the Johnson parents — we’ll call them Bill and Jane — have a combined annual income of $73,500. Now let’s say that Bill and Jane have a habit of spending more money than they earn, and as a result they have, over the years, run up a total debt of $31 trillion. To continue living far above their means, Bill and Jane have no choice but to borrow more money. But they’re having a big dramatic fight about how MUCH more.
This image, contained in the indictment against former President Donald Trump, shows boxes of records stored in a bathroom and shower in the Lake Room at Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fla. Legal analysts say the case against Trump appears strong, but he says it’s just more WITCH HUNT and declares that even if he’s convicted, he’ll keep running for president. This means that theoretically we could have a sitting U.S.
Speaking of things heating up: With the 2024 election looming, dozens of presidential contenders flock to Iowa to pretend they give a petrified crap about Iowa. The campaigning is particularly intense on the Republican side, because the Republicans are keenly aware of two things:2. They’re probably going to nominate Donald Trump again.The leading non-Trump Republican in Iowa is Florida Gov.
In a totally unrelated development, the Hunter Biden plea deal collapses when the judge, while reading through the papers submitted to her for approval, finds a $50 bill stapled to a note that says “For your trouble.” Meanwhile Donald Trump, in what has become a cherished American legal tradition, is indicted again. Actually he’s indicted twice, once in Washington, D.C., and once in Georgia — which means he now faces 17,000 felony charges, including theft of a train, and if convicted on all counts he would face four million years in prison followed by electrocution, none of which would legally bar him from a second term as president.
Abroad, Yevgeny Prigozhin, who led the brief attempted coup against Vladimir Putin, dies when a plane he is riding in explodes and falls out of the sky. The cause is “pilot error,” according to an official statement released by the Russian government 25 minutes before the crash occurs. Meanwhile a dramatic fiscal crisis looms as Congress, whose main job is to produce a budget, is once again unable to produce a budget, thus bringing the federal government perilously close to shutting down – a very bad and scary thing that has never before happened in the nation’s history except for the ten previous times that it happened.
Ha ha! We are of course joking. The entertainment industry will not rest until the number of streaming services exceeds the U.S. population. Also there will come a day when you cannot flush your toilet without “two-factor authentication.”...conflict erupts between two bitter foes, ancient enemies whose intractable hatred for each other has defied all efforts to resolve the historic differences between them: House Republicans and other House Republicans.
Finally, after weeks of humiliating ineptitude, the Republicans manage to elect a new speaker, an individual named “Mike Johnson” who wasn’t on anybody’s list, and in fact isn’t even a member of Congress. He was delivering a pizza to the Capitol and seemed at least marginally competent – all the toppings were correct – so they made him speaker.
Another New York City trial ends with FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried facing up to 115 years in prison after a jury finds him guilty of styling his hair with a defective Roomba.
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