'The more often it didn’t happen, the less I felt like trying, and the worse our relationship got.'
Generally, crying during sex is not considered a turn-on. This is particularly true when you’ve been trying to come for the past 10 minutes, rubbing yourself raw while your boyfriend of four years grows increasingly frustrated and probably ― you think ― rather bored of the whole routine.
The paradox was that the more I focused on trying to finish, the less likely it was to happen. I once compared it to the act of desperately pumping an empty sunscreen bottle when you’re already on the beach. He replied that actually, it was more like waiting for someone to cook you dinner, and then telling them you weren’t hungry only after they’d served it.
By this time, I’d started to entertain the idea that maybe I didn’t even like or need sex that much. Maybe the reason I didn’t finish was that I wasn’t into it. I already knew that it had nothing to do with my boyfriend, and everything to do with me. The way I saw it, I had lost the fight against my own mind. The thing keeping me from coming was myself.
Picture this, if you will: I’m sitting on top of him, skin glistening as beads of sweat roll down my face and decorate my neck like a pearl necklace. We are connecting in a way that is unburdened, honest, uninhibited. I lean in to kiss him, and as I pull away, he places a hand on the back of my head, pulls my ear to his lips.Almost immediately, I know that is not going to happen. A slow chill spreads up my body, snaps me out of the moment and into my mind, my old nemesis.
As we lay naked in each other’s arms, he explained his view on sex to me. The whole point of it, he said, is to reach another level of intimacy, through pleasure. In this case, pleasure is less about one specific moment or destination, and more about the entire journey. An orgasm may fall into the category of pleasure, he explained, but it isn’t the only thing in it. Another way to think about it: An orgasm is the creme brûlée at the end of a five-course meal.
When I spoke to some women about it, they reminded me that it’s hardly unheard of for them not to orgasm. For centuries, women have had to find pleasure in the journey, since it was assumed that for them, finishing was unlikely and not even the point.
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