AskPolly: “To have someone who knows you and understands you the way you want to be known and understood doesn’t come by many times in one’s life. Will I ever get over this? Is it so silly to think that he was my soulmate?”
The universe has me tricked. Either everything means everything or everything means nothing or reality lies somewhere between the two extremes. I saw the love of my life for the first time in my dormitory elevator about two years ago. He was the most beautiful human I had ever seen! He had the most intricate of noses that stayed with me for months. I was in my first year of college and I knew there were plenty more fish in the sea. Still, random encounters with elevator boy kept happening.
And then it was like he was a stranger again, and I was stuck with this garden of unruly roses, love roses that would only sprout for his sun! It is now February, a whole year since we got involved, and this has been the hardest loss of my life. To have someone who knows you and understands you the way you want to be known and understood doesn’t come by many times in one’s life. There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t thought about him. What is he doing? I wonder if he’s happy. I hope so.
This reminds me a little of the woman from a few weeks ago, who moved off-grid with an emotionally unavailable man. You love being invisible, because then you have to work even harder to get him to see you. You have something big to look forward to, as long as he’s never looking your way. And the fact that you can strip away your projections and still feel things somehow proves that you’re even more devoted to him than you thought you were.
But you really, truly need to start loosening your grip on this obsession. Because the target of your affection isn’t that meaningful. You can swap this dude out for anyone else. Your fate does not depend on locating one man with an appropriately intricate nose. You’ve taken his features and his personality and his ways of moving through the world and you’ve rendered them divine. I fucking love doing that. I love turning a run-of-the-mill motherfucker into a great, glowing god.
I guess I should probably say, “Don’t do that! Let people be who they are!” But longing junkies with big imaginations love to build. Why would I block you from your truest passion? You just need to fully embrace and examine and sit with and honor the fact that you love doing this, while still recognizing exactly what you’re doing. You love a romantic scene where you can look but not touch. You love a man who stays just out of reach for a long, long time.
Life is bewildering and it’s easy to retreat into fantasy at this moment in history. When you pull yourself back from the hyper-romantic simulation you’ve created, you have to rebuild your connection to the rough realities of your life. You have to look for gifts under your dirty fucking rug. You have to sit with your unvarnished, fragile self and try to love the person you find there.
Everyone is so goddamn lonely out there, rattling around in their heads, staring at their phones, feeling confused and shitty, all the while surrounded by other lonely people. Open your eyes and look around you. Stick your neck out. Be bold. Be vulnerable. Ask someone to hang out with you. Look them in the eyes. Be direct. If they seem uninterested or suspicious, keep it moving. Don’t take it personally. But most of all, stop treating everyone else besides elevator boy like they’re ordinary.
Norge Siste Nytt, Norge Overskrifter
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