Carolyn Hax: Daughter ends visits when told of grandfather’s past abuse
Decades later he has mellowed somewhat, and my kids have a cordial relationship with him. He isn't abusive anymore. But my teen daughter asked me why I keep him at arm's length and if I don't like him, and I told her the truth about my childhood. I just don't want the information vacuum to lead her to think I am some standoffish, bratty stepdaughter.
But now she wants nothing to do with him, and my mother is asking why she won’t visit them. What can I do? Was I wrong to tell?Actions have consequences. His consequences are simply coming to him over time and across generations for his actions when you were a child. Not even to your mom. Tell her the truth with the same measured, factual delivery you used with your daughter. “I told [daughter], in the same tone I'm using now, why I kept [stepfather] at arm's length. I also said he was no longer like this and she was free to have whatever relationship she wanted with him. This is what she chose.”
What happened to the good old slap in the face like you used to see in the movies? I think we have gotten so passive that we don’t stick up for ourselves, then we stew about it and go all “#MeToo” years later.If you really believe there was less sexual harassment in the cinematic-slap era, then I don't know where to start. Maybe with the deleterious effects of internalized misogyny.
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